For all the Facebook users out there, we present the ultimate collection of Funny Facebook Status and captions. Whether you’re in need of witty Facebook status lines to craft hilarious posts or simply want to update your status with a touch of humor, these funny Facebook status have got you covered. You can even use them as funny captions for your selfies and profile pictures. Also you will find some of the best and most humorous quotes, offering fresh and entertaining status ideas to elevate your Facebook profile.
Funny Facebook Status
If you are reading this, be happy you know how to read.
Facebook is like a prison because you write on its walls.
Facebook is asking, ‘What’s on your mind?’ but I think ‘Who’s on your mind?’ is a better question.
Behind every successful status, there is Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V
Sometimes I drink water – just to surprise my liver.
I live in fantasy so don’t tell me your reality.
Facebook is like the prison, you write on walls and get poked by people you don’t know.
You know what; the zoo is the best place to fart.
Don’t argue with an idiot. They beat you with their experience.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
I hate it when my body decides to get sick. I gave you a vegetable last week, how dare you.
If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a “cell” phone.
A broad smile is a cooler way of showing your enemies that you have teeth.
Children in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children!
First rule of Sundays: If you can’t reach it from your couch, you don’t need it.
I turned my phone on airplane mode and threw it in the air. Worst transformer ever.
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
Nerd flirting: I wish I could select all of your clothes and press delete.
I want to make my name on Facebook ‘Nobody’. So when I see someone post something stupid I can like it, and it will say ‘Nobody Likes This’.
In modern politics, even the leader of the free world needs help from the sultan of Facebookistan.
Delete me, Poke me, Like me, Limit me … The choice is yours … Welcome to Facebook, where no one is really your friend.
Never challenge a guy to an arm-wrestling match who’s been single for more than 6 months.
I’m wondering why logging onto Facebook has become a part of the everyday routine?… Do I really have nothing better to do!
I’m going to invent a new pill called Niagra that stops erections. The slogan will be: “Viagra Rises, Niagra Falls!
Adding you as my friend doesn’t mean I like you, I did it just to increase my friend list.
If you send me a friend request on Facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you’re a transformer.
I know what you’re doing right now… You’re reading on my wall, Right!
Facebook is kind of like a prison. You spend all day staring at walls and getting poked by people you don’t know.
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day – and another, in case it doesn’t rain.
Quitting Facebook is the new adult version of running away from home. We all know you’re doing it for attention and we all know that you’ll be back!
If your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” then you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I might as well call you Google because you have everything that I am looking for.
If my life was an action movie, my boss would be the spy trying to sabotage my mission, and my mission would be going on Facebook.
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.
The only reason why 30 guys liked your picture is that they can see right down your shirt.
People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane until we invented smartphones and social media.
Oh, you’re popular on Facebook? That’s cool. I mean, these days it’s easy to have 1,500 friends that you’ve never met before.
Funny Caption For Facebook
If we tell people the brain is an app, maybe they’ll start using it.
My sarcasm only gets me in trouble when my brain-to-mouth filter is malfunctioning.
If I went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn’t at work.
When you die, the others around you suffer. Same when you are stupid.
I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.
My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.
I’m not sure if I’m an introvert or just socially selective. Okay, fine, I’m an introvert.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.
I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
No man goes before his time — unless his boss leaves early.
Sometimes, I prefer to use my face for emoticons.
I’ve always loved the idea of not being who people expect me to be.
Not everyone likes me. But not everyone matters to me.
Quit looking for a reason to dislike me; I’m just naturally likable.
I’d really post your name here every minute if Facebook keeps on asking me what’s on my mind.
I’m going to open a new Facebook account named ‘Anonymous’ so all the cool quotes will be attributed to me!
Come over to the dark side…we’ve got candy.
Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.
Need something cool to say because you just slipped and fell? “Yep, gravity still works!”
If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt, and preservatives, don’t open it. It’s spam.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven’t pooped it out yet. I’m really scared, you guys.
Also Read: 250+ Funny Captions To Post Your Photos
Funny Caption For Facebook Profile Picture
I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
You don’t have to like me, I’m not a Facebook status.
Travel the world until your Facebook’s check-ins finished!
I’m jealous of my parents, I’ll never have a kid as cool as them.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, No mutual friends, Who the hell are you?
It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
Alcohol doesn’t solve any problem, but neither does milk.
If I don’t log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must’ve kidnapped me!
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have the film.
9 out of 10 voices in my head say that I’m crazy. The tenth is humming.
If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
I was s*exually harassed at work by my boss. But I don’t really mind. I’m self-employed.
While the Poke option has its merits, one can’t help but wonder when Facebook will introduce a Punch option.
I’ve gone out to find myself. If I should arrive before I get back, please ask me to wait.
Who needs television when you have so much drama on Facebook.
Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think I’m tripping? Tie my shoes. Can’t stand me? Sit back down. Can’t face me? Turn around.
Your intelligence is my common sense.
I’m sorry that I’m not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse.
Stop advertising your relationship on Facebook. Not everyone wants to see you happy.
Kiss me and you will see how important I am.
Long time ago I used to have a life until someone told me to create a Facebook account.
Funny Quotes To Post On Facebook
Facebook should have a “No One Cares” button.
Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone’s bathroom looks like!
Facebook is where hypocrisy, falseness, double standards, rumors, and depression meet up for coffee.
You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death.
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ level.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.
My neighbors were yelling so loud at their kids to clean up their room that out of fear even I started cleaning my room.
Of course I have a talent. I’m really good in bed. Sometimes I sleep more than 9 hours in one go.
If you had to decide between a diet and a piece of chocolate, would you prefer dark, white or milk chocolate?
I think I’m gonna take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower but with me in it.
My ex-girlfriend’s status said suicidal and standing on the edge. So I poked her.
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.
Single is not a status. It is a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.
Some people need to realize that Facebook is a social network, not a diary.
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark with a chance of tomorrow in the morning.
Sometimes I wish life was like facebook, you can delete anyone off your page and go back and delete everything you have said and done!
What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.
Funny Bio For Facebook
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.
My relationship is like an iPad. I don’t have an iPad.
Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes.
Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
That awkward moment when you change your Facebook status to “Single” and your ex likes it.
I won’t block you or delete you. I’m keeping you there so you will be able to see how happy I am without you.
I say, anyone can catch your eye but it takes someone special like me to catch your heart.
I’ve officially been diagnosed with OFCD (Obsessive Facebook Checking Disorder). I have also been told that I am beyond cure. Please pray for me.
An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
I always take life with a grain of salt …plus a slice of lemon …and a shot of tequila.
I made my Facebook name “Benefits,” so when you add me now it says “you’re friends with benefits.”
I don’t have the prettiest face for you to see or the skinniest waist for you to hold. But I do have the biggest heart to love you with.
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
The kids next door challenged me to a water balloon fight. I’m just updating my status while waiting for the water to boil.
The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, eat cake.
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It’s time to become famous in your Facebook community and give your friends and followers a reason to have a good laugh by posting a hilarious Facebook status. All of these funny Facebook statuses and quotes have various uses. You can use them as a funny DP (display picture) caption, as humorous text, for creating hilarious Facebook posts, or even as funny Facebook comments or stories. Enjoy!